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Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP for short) is an interpersonal communication model and an alternative approach to psychotherapy based on the subjective study of language, communication and personal change - Wikipedia's definition.

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~Caprica

Sunday Post #9

Photo Credit: Tricia Zenone

No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow. ~Proverb

~Caprica

Remember To: Strive to Improve the Quality of Your Relationship

Simple Ideas to Improve the Quality of Your Relationship

Lust is easy. Love is hard. Like is most important. - Carl Reiner

Relationships, especially intimate ones, require work, dedication and patience. Great relationships just don’t happen – they happen because both people are willing to commit time and energy to it.

Although building and maintaining a mutually gratifying relationship does require effort, the ideas and concepts are simple ones. In fact, the following three ideas provide a proven roadmap for relationship success:

1. Keep the relationship a priority
   
2. Learn to embrace differences
   
3. Focus on what you love and appreciate in your partner
   

Keep the relationship a priority
In the beginning, you and your partner were strangers to one another. After meeting and agreeing to a handful of dates, passion and curiosity soon developed. Think back to the time early in the relationship. There were probably frequent and romantic dates; long telephone calls where your life stories’ were shared; and a hunger for one another when you were apart.

Then, something happened. Life got in the way. Although not very noticeable at first, the novelty worn off even though the relationship became more serious. Work, bills and the needs of the children began to trump the needs of the relationship.

If your relationship is lacking the spark it once had, consider getting back to the basics. Plan dates, call one another just to talk – not just to exchange information, and make your love a priority. Imagine what your life might be like without this person, and then begin to live each day as if it were the last day with him or her.

Learn to embrace differences
The cliché that opposites attract is especially true when it comes to maintaining a quality relationship. Chances are very good you are in a committed relationship with someone who is completely different from you. Typically, we seek people who are not like ourselves, because we don’t always like what we see in ourselves.

It is often the differences in the relationship that provide the foundation for conversations and dream sharing. Take advantage of being close with someone who does not have the same life experiences as you do. There is tremendous value from gaining the perspective of someone you trust.

Yes, your partner may not do or say everything in the same way you would, but by sharing a mutual respect and appreciation will strengthen your relationship and place it on a very sturdy foundation.

Focus on what you love and appreciate in your partner
Over a period of time, there is always the temptation to begin taking each other for granted. Sometimes we get so busy trying to impress everyone else in our lives, we forget to save our best energy for the person who we have chosen to share a life with.

Refrain from “picking” on your partner, and instead focus on what he or she does well. Tell your partner what you respect and admire in him or her.

Focus on more of what you love about your partner, not on what you don’t like. Take the time, in your thoughts, words and actions, to be appreciative of the other person and watch how your relationship improves.

Written by: Alex Blackwell who blogs at The Next 45 Years.

Photo Credit: Kelly Stone

~Caprica

Sunday Post #8

Photo Credit: Tricia Zenone


Well pleaseth me the sweet time of Easter
That maketh the leaf and the flower come out. ~Bertran de Born


Easter tells us that life is to be interpreted not simply in terms of things but in terms of ideals. ~Charles M. Crowe


Ye sleeping buds, break
Open your green cerements, and wake
To fragrant blossoming for His sweet sake. ~Margaret French Patton


Happy Easter!
~Caprica

Remember to: Focus on Good Communication Skills

Here's an article from one of my favorite bloggers named, Craig Harper. He focuses much of his blog on communication skills...

The Communication Situation

I think most of us would agree that on a practical, day-to-day level the most important life skill is communication. However, when we take a look around we discover that:

1. Many of us have trouble expressing ourselves effectively.
2. Many of us spend the majority of our life not saying what we think or feel (for a range of reasons).
3. Some of us talk a lot without ever saying much.
4. The vast majority of us don't consciously work at becoming more effective communicators.

Sadly, too many of us mumble and bumble our way through much of our life. Or we remain silent. And frustrated. And unfulfilled. And angry. And sad. Sure, we'll learn how to weave baskets, use a computer, build a spaceship from scrap metal and we'll even attend university for years to learn irrelevant stuff that we'll never need, remember, or use, but will we actually make a conscious effort to learn how to communicate and connect more effectively with people? Nup.

Trash talking...
For many people in many situations their inability to be able to engage in meaningful, productive conversation or to communicate a message clearly is a major barrier to living their best life, maximising their potential and developing healthy and productive relationships. Many of us talk a lot, but not effectively. Being talkative doesn't equate to being a good communicator, it just means someone talks a lot. Sometimes less is more. Sometimes what we don't say is a more effective way of making a point or creating a particular outcome. Just like me singing in the shower every morning doesn't make me a good singer (trust me), neither does a person being somewhat verbose necessarily translate to them being an effective communicator. In fact, the reason some people are terrible communicators is because they actually talk too much and listen too little.

So, why do we need to be better communicators?

1. Healthier relationships across the board - in every area of our lives.
2. Less conflict and misunderstanding - and therefore less stress and problems.
3. More confidence in a range of situations and settings.
4. Better connection and rapport.
5. More opportunities.
6. Less wasted time and energy - because we can communicate our message (thoughts, ideas) more effectively.
7. Less frustration - always nice.
8. More respect.

So, of course the obvious question is... how do we become better communicators?

1. Ask people open ended questions, not yes/no questions.

"Did you have a nice weekend?" - Bad
"What did you do on the weekend?" - Good

Ask questions which show that you're interested in the other person and give the conversation a chance of lasting for more than thirty seconds!

2. Be an active listener. Participate rather than spectate. Consciously be involved in the discussion, ask relevant, meaningful questions and don't simply wait for a gap in the conversation so that you can be heard.

3. Be genuinely interested in the other person. Self-centred people are terrible communicators because they always steer the conversation back to themselves and they rarely acknowledge, validate or actually consider the other person's feelings or perspective. If you're not interested in the other person's perspective, you're not part of a conversation, you're delivering a monologue.

4. Have fun and don't take yourself too seriously. Be able to laugh at yourself. Some people are so intense that they're no fun to hang out with or talk to.

5. Be open to the notion that you might be.... wrong! Crazy thought I know but just try it anyway. If you go into any conversation with a level of arrogance and superiority (in your mind anyway) then you will never have a productive conversation or meaningful exchange. Don't talk at people, talk with them. If you can't consider a perspective other than your own, you will never relate to others and you'll never learn or grow as a communicator.

6. Put yourself in situations where you will be forced to develop those communication skills. Speak to a group, deal with a situation you've been avoiding, have that long-overdue discussion with that person.

7. Before you open your mouth, get clarity about what you want to say. Some people engage their mouth before they engage their brain. You know those people. Who am I kidding, you and I are those people! I'm always putting my foot in my mouth. Okay, feet.

8. Listen to yourself on audio tape or watch yourself on video/DVD. Can be a particularly uncomfortable but eye-opening exercise. Not always a feasible option this suggestion (you may not have such a tape) but when possible it's always sure to provide you with a fresh perspective of... you. The first time I saw myself talk to an audience on video, I cringed for forty five minutes and hated every second of it. But I did learn a lot about how others perceived me and I did identify one or two (hundred) annoying little communication idiosyncrasies.

9. Learn the other person's language. Sure we all speak English (our version anyway), but in reality we all speak a different language. If you can't speak your bosse's, wife's, friend's, kid's, neighbour's 'language', then you can't communicate effectively with them. Many people use the same communication style with every person in every situation - with disastrous results. The question we need to ask is:

"How do I need to communicate with this person to create the best outcome" (to understand them and to be understood by them).

9. Be aware of, interpret (as best you can) and react to, non-verbal communication. Everything a person does (as opposed to says) is telling you something; conveying a message. Ninety three percent of all communication is non-verbal, so sometimes we need to watch more than we need to listen. Whether or not someone is happy, sad, angry, uncomfortable, stressed, intimidated or confused can usually be perceived without a word being spoken.

10. Don't talk for the sake of it. Learn to be comfortable with silence and learn when not to speak. Incessant talking is a sign of nerves or insecurity or both, and never results in meaningful dialogue.

11. Ask for feedback. Of course we don't want to ask for feedback. What a stupid idea. What if they tell us what we don't want to hear? Nearly every presentation I do is critiqued (rated) by my audience in the form of written assessment sheets and that has been one of the best learning tools for me. Not always fun but always valuable. If you want honest feedback, get it anonymously! There ain't no candy-coating!

By Craig Harper

~Caprica

Sunday Post #7

“The more you try to be interested in other people, the more you find out about yourself.”

~Thea Astley

Remember to: Focus Time and Energy on the Positive People in Our Lives

I found this article interesting on the subject of focusing our time and energy on the positive people in our lives...

Toxic Dumping

Feeding our mind the good stuff.

It's so good for us to feed our mind and nourish our spirit by spending time with positive people in a positive environment. People who want to learn, teach, inspire others and give back. People who are making a difference, people who are happy to share what they have learned and most importantly, people who are stoked to see other people succeed. I love talking with people who have great energy, who consistently work at owning a good attitude and who always find the good. In a world which seemingly lives by the mantra of "looking after number one", it's kinda refreshing and motivating to meet people who live in a different place. A healthy place.

Simply being around some people can make you feel uplifted, motivated, hopeful, positive, confident and excited, just as being around other people might make you feel stressed, sad, fearful, anxious, unworthy and uncomfortable. Sometimes we need to go to the dump; the toxic dump.

Removing the toxins.

A long time ago I decided to work consciously at removing the sociological, emotional and psychological toxins from my life; toxic conversations, toxic attitudes, toxic beliefs, toxic relationships, toxic environments and of course, toxic people. We don't need people, circumstances or situations poisoning our life or any part thereof, but that's exactly what (some) people will do (knowingly or not) if we let them. So I choose, not.

The simple truth is that there are some nasty people who seem to delight in other's pain, misery and misfortune. They gossip, they lie, they cause trouble, they create division, they criticise and they seem to revel in melodrama and all things negative. They have a poisonous mindset and if you hang out with them long enough, you'll become just like them. And you'll get sick. Maybe not physically, but you will get sick.

Toxic us.

And then we have to deal with toxic us. We've all been poisoned in some way and to an extent, we've all been poisonous ourselves. We all have a little of that bright green poisonous goop flowing in our veins from time to time. We think we're all that but the truth is we all have the ability and the potential to be toxic - in our thinking, our communication, our parenting, our relationships and in virtually evey part of our day to day life.

Before we start pointing fingers at the rest of the world for their toxic ways, we need to stand in front of the mirror for a little honest self-assessment to make sure that we're not infecting anyone else and that we're not killing ourselves with our own toxic thinking, habits and behaviours. Sometimes we need to step back from our life, get some perspective and identify those toxins that are:

a. Stopping us from growing and fulfilling our potential
b. Causing us to be a negative rather than a positive in the lives of others and
c. Making us sick (physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually unwell).

Once we identify those toxins we need to create and undertake our own detox program. Obviously this will mean different things for different people, but typically it might involve some or all of the following:

1. Spending less or no time with some people. Over the years I have consciously distanced myself from certain people who I have found to be particularly toxic - even if I liked them. People with toxic attitudes, toxic habits and toxic tongues. Hanging out with people who major in minors, dwell on negatives and find fault in everything and everyone is exhausting, depressing and debilitating. This step is not always easy or practical as some of those toxic people happen to be in our life. It might mean spending only the time you absolutely have to with those people, or it might mean creating some 'rules of engagement'. I have a few friends who know that all of our conversations have boundaries. If I see that we're heading down the path of the meaningless, pointless, negative diatribe, I will shut the conversation down.

2. Consciously changing our self talk. Easier said than done, but many of us need to make a concerted effort to change the way we think and talk about ourselves. When someone compliments you, simply accept their compliment and don't talk yourself down. This is something which I have personally battled with over the years. Even to this day, part of me is uncomfortable with people paying me compliments. However, where once I would dismiss people's kind words, I now appreciate them and receive them as I should.

3. Hanging out with different people. Hanging out with positive people is infectious. While I have a broad cross-section of friends and colleagues who I spend time with, I also make an effort to hang out with certain people who I personally find inspiring, stimulating and exceptional at what they do. It might sound a little strategic (rather than developing a relationship naturally and spontaneously) but that's okay, not every relationship needs to develop the 'old-fashioned' way. Quite often these 'strategic' relationships turn out to be mutually beneficial life-long bonds. I have quite a few friends who I only see three or four times a year for lunch or dinner and most of our encounters prove to be stimulating, thought-provoking, motivating, positive experiences.

4. Changing environments, situations, habits or even careers. Sometimes we find ourselves in toxic situations and it's necessary for us to walk away. This might be something relatively minor like walking away from a potential argument, or it might be something much more significant like changing jobs or even careers. I have mentored many people who have worked in a toxic environment for far too long and when they finally made the move it was like they walked out of a dark cloud and into the sunlight. The vast majority of these people regretted not having made the move years earlier.

5. Avoiding toxic conversations. Toxic conversations are the easiest way to get poisoned. They are pointless, they are destructive, they are frustrating and they drag us down emotionally and psychologically. They are also incredibly common and they permeate virtually every part of the human experience. Some of us have been having the same toxic conversations, with the same people about the same issues for years. Maybe we should cut that out?

So next time you find yourself heading towards a toxic moment, experience, encounter or conversation, take a sharp left, head straight to the toxic dump and don't look back.

by Craig Harper

~Caprica

Sunday Post #6

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." -Albert Einstein